1.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
ID: 10277846
2.
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together*
hotel security: miss why are you-
me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
ID: 10277882
4.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
ID: 10277825
5.
ID: 10277733
6.
ID: 10277605
8.
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
ID: 10277614
9.
Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets?
Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so you MAY be dew condensation.
ID: 10277989
10.
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
ID: 10277616
12.
ID: 10277628
13.
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
ID: 10277908
14.
Q: What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination?
A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
ID: 10277623
15.
ID: 10277629
16.
ID: 10277652
18.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
ID: 10277900
20.
ID: 10277656
22.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
ID: 10277726
23.
the miracle of birth is BEAUTIFUL if you think this is “gross” or “disturbing” the unfollow button is right there b… https://t.co/wwwRxpOqNg
ID: 10277671
24.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
ID: 10277738
25.
You can tell me this is a bird flying all you want I still think it’s a rabbit on skis in the middle of a long jump
ID: 10277773
26.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
ID: 10277780
27.
unreliable? are never on time? have to share them with 10 other women? which one is it x
ID: 10277807
28.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
ID: 10277830
29.
I couldn’t believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just bang out of order.
ID: 10277850
30.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
ID: 10277902
31.
You’re never too old to say “horses” when you drive past some horses
— Matthew
